Anxiety.
/aŋˈzʌɪəti/

What is anxiety to you  ?

Anxiety isn't about just feeling anxious all the time, anxiety is more than that. 
The thing about anxiety disorder is that you know very well it's "stupid" and you know deep in your heart that it was no big deal at all and it wasn't necessarily anything serious. But that's where the disorder kicks in - suddenly something small triggers thoughts in your head and they never stop growing. Next thing you know, you're breathing hard, limbs shaking and you think you're going to pass out; or you might even pass out. Its knowing that even you think it's ridiculous sometimes and hate it to the core but can't help it. It's not something you can control just by saying you can. It's not knowing when your body decides to go into 'fight or flight' mode and being worried about that happening causes even more anxiety. It definitely doesn't help when people ask you to 'get over it', 'you'll be fine in awhile' or 'you're okay'. 

NO I'M NOT.

Well, I might be but when an attack happens it feels like your world is crashing down and I can't explain it to you. Anxiety is not mere overthinking. Anxiety is not just a mental struggle, it's almost as much physical as it is mental. As I'm typing this, I'm still dealing with pseudo dyspnea, which is false shortness of breath.

Imagine having to time and plan your breathing as if you were not born with the ability to do so. I know I'm breathing just fine, but I can't control the fact that my mind wants me to monitor it and take really deep breaths every now and then just so that I feel that I'm breathing and I'll stay alive and not die of suffocation.

As I speak of this, I'll give you a little bit of background. I have always been an anxious person, with sudden urges and tendencies here and there and it hasn't bothered me up until recently where I had an incident that caused a severe anxiety attack to happen. I rushed to the ER on my own because I couldn't breathe and almost passed out right infront of the ER entrance. The MO suggested that I might have mild anxiety disorder.

These recent years I have been getting comments from people I've met asking if I have OCD. While I am unsure about this, as much as I am unsure about my anxiety, even I can see why. While I believe I do not have OCD, I do believe I have some form of anxiety. I am in no way looking down or trying to use these terms lightly as I struggle with it daily especially for the past month. I am also not self-prescribing myself but this is just an observation and finding upon doing research.

I decided not to ramble on a field of expertise that I am entirely unaware and unskilled in and end the blogpost here. Also just a heads up to those wondering, I will be making an appointment with a psychiatrist soon and I hope to get a clarification on the above matter. As of now, I will just have to learn to deal with it myself by doing breathing exercises and taking things slowly as to not overexert myself. I have also been trying meditation for a week now and although I have yet to see any major improvements or changes, I am sure it does more good than harm and that it is a good addition to my daily/weekly routine for stress relief. After all, what bad could it be from allocating a few minutes for myself as me time ?

Signing off here,





✰LUU