The loss of a pet.

A pet, no - a family member.

How do you deal with the anticipatory grief ?

Is anyone ever ready for it ?

12.10 am - I have been crying for over 2 hours.

Here's the story.

My dog, his name is Rain ; or better known as Rainboy. He's 13 years old, in human years that is. I got him as a present for my 12th birthday. He's born on 4th April 2007 and is a toy poodle. He has always been very vocal, jumpy and playful. For the past 5 years since I've moved to Kuala Lumpur, I have been seeing him very little. Sometimes once in 2 months, sometimes once in 4 months - all in the name of college classes and work. Especially since I started work, I have been going back less and less as I work on weekends as well. The guilt is there, knowing that my parents are the ones with him all the time and I am not there to pamper him - but when you don't see the possibility of loss that closely yet, it doesn't hit you, does it ?a

A few days ago, my best friend told me that her dog was diagnosed with cancer ; 2 lump of mass by the lungs. Surgery was not an option. The vet said her time may vary from 2 months to 6 months. When I was told the news, I was completely in shock - barely 5 minutes later, my brain went straight to my dog's health. Knowing that my 2nd brother is visiting my hometown on Thursday, I asked him for a favor to bring my dog to the vet for a checkup.

Last night, I spent 3 hours in bed not being able to fall asleep due to the anxiety of knowing, not knowing, not knowing enough, and knowing too much. I was tapping my feet away and fidgeting for hours, my heart rate pretty much at 100 the entire time. Alas, I managed to fall asleep from exhaustion at 3.30am.

This morning waking up, the feeling of dread was still there. Nevertheless, I went to work as usual. A few hours later, my brother updated me on the appointment which was at 3.15pm, and there my anxiety started kicking in.  As the time for the appointment got closer, my anxiety hit harder. By noon, I was clawing and squeezing my clothes and fidgeting non-stop.

At 4.27pm, my brother has mentioned that he would need to speak to me via phone as to the condition of my dog. As I was working, I decided not to call immediately as I knew that I would be overwhelmed and would not be able to stay in the office. After work, they were outside and I was absolutely exhausted from the lack of sleep and anxiety that I fell asleep after work. I woke up at 9.30pm and made the phone call at 9.52pm. Then the news hit me.

My 13 year old dog, is having serious kidney failure - and it has been some time coming. The test results came back and his blood is low and he has lost weight. His kidney problem is causing him to vomit, not able to detox (because that's what kidneys do) and not being able to eat solid foods. The vet has given him an IV drip as he was getting dehydrated as well as medicine and multi vitamins to help him get nutrients as he is unable to eat well. The vet did not mentioned a time frame, but an option whether to medicate him for the time being, or to put him down. Knowing that these 2 are the only options, I broke down via the phone. Sometimes my dog vomits or regurgitates, and we didn't think much of it as it has happened throughout the years. Guilty thoughts immediately began to cloud my mind.

Would it helped it I knew earlier ? Was I not observant enough ? Why did I not take him to the vet earlier ? Could it be prevented if I knew earlier ? What could I have done that would have eased his pain if I knew earlier ?

I knew that questioning these would not help the situation, but I couldn't help it. The questions replayed in my head time and time again. Not knowing the time frame is making me worry that what if I'm back to work and I am not with him during his final hour, but I know that even knowing the time frame, it will still haunt me. Now I am at a complete loss.

I am travelling back tomorrow afternoon to visit him and spend time with him. Trying not to breakdown in front of him will be the hardest, but I will try, knowing well that our emotions will affect him. This isn't about me, it's about him. It's about me spending time with him because I love him. I can't wait to see him and shower him with love. Although he wouldn't be able to run around and jump anymore, I will stand by him and show him that I'm there for him. I am also thinking of making a dough to get his paw print.

I guess... I'll update again when I can.

Until then,
goodbye.

- Th xception {♥} | 12.25am

Anxiety.
/aŋˈzʌɪəti/

What is anxiety to you  ?

Anxiety isn't about just feeling anxious all the time, anxiety is more than that. 
The thing about anxiety disorder is that you know very well it's "stupid" and you know deep in your heart that it was no big deal at all and it wasn't necessarily anything serious. But that's where the disorder kicks in - suddenly something small triggers thoughts in your head and they never stop growing. Next thing you know, you're breathing hard, limbs shaking and you think you're going to pass out; or you might even pass out. Its knowing that even you think it's ridiculous sometimes and hate it to the core but can't help it. It's not something you can control just by saying you can. It's not knowing when your body decides to go into 'fight or flight' mode and being worried about that happening causes even more anxiety. It definitely doesn't help when people ask you to 'get over it', 'you'll be fine in awhile' or 'you're okay'. 

NO I'M NOT.

Well, I might be but when an attack happens it feels like your world is crashing down and I can't explain it to you. Anxiety is not mere overthinking. Anxiety is not just a mental struggle, it's almost as much physical as it is mental. As I'm typing this, I'm still dealing with pseudo dyspnea, which is false shortness of breath.

Imagine having to time and plan your breathing as if you were not born with the ability to do so. I know I'm breathing just fine, but I can't control the fact that my mind wants me to monitor it and take really deep breaths every now and then just so that I feel that I'm breathing and I'll stay alive and not die of suffocation.

As I speak of this, I'll give you a little bit of background. I have always been an anxious person, with sudden urges and tendencies here and there and it hasn't bothered me up until recently where I had an incident that caused a severe anxiety attack to happen. I rushed to the ER on my own because I couldn't breathe and almost passed out right infront of the ER entrance. The MO suggested that I might have mild anxiety disorder.

These recent years I have been getting comments from people I've met asking if I have OCD. While I am unsure about this, as much as I am unsure about my anxiety, even I can see why. While I believe I do not have OCD, I do believe I have some form of anxiety. I am in no way looking down or trying to use these terms lightly as I struggle with it daily especially for the past month. I am also not self-prescribing myself but this is just an observation and finding upon doing research.

I decided not to ramble on a field of expertise that I am entirely unaware and unskilled in and end the blogpost here. Also just a heads up to those wondering, I will be making an appointment with a psychiatrist soon and I hope to get a clarification on the above matter. As of now, I will just have to learn to deal with it myself by doing breathing exercises and taking things slowly as to not overexert myself. I have also been trying meditation for a week now and although I have yet to see any major improvements or changes, I am sure it does more good than harm and that it is a good addition to my daily/weekly routine for stress relief. After all, what bad could it be from allocating a few minutes for myself as me time ?

Signing off here,





✰LUU

So today's post is about being lonely. Oftentimes I tell people around me that I'm always ALONE, and not LONELY. Somehow I've been feeling very lonely, anxious and unsettled recently which is why I'm writing this post.