The loss of a pet.

A pet, no - a family member.

How do you deal with the anticipatory grief ?

Is anyone ever ready for it ?

12.10 am - I have been crying for over 2 hours.

Here's the story.

My dog, his name is Rain ; or better known as Rainboy. He's 13 years old, in human years that is. I got him as a present for my 12th birthday. He's born on 4th April 2007 and is a toy poodle. He has always been very vocal, jumpy and playful. For the past 5 years since I've moved to Kuala Lumpur, I have been seeing him very little. Sometimes once in 2 months, sometimes once in 4 months - all in the name of college classes and work. Especially since I started work, I have been going back less and less as I work on weekends as well. The guilt is there, knowing that my parents are the ones with him all the time and I am not there to pamper him - but when you don't see the possibility of loss that closely yet, it doesn't hit you, does it ?a

A few days ago, my best friend told me that her dog was diagnosed with cancer ; 2 lump of mass by the lungs. Surgery was not an option. The vet said her time may vary from 2 months to 6 months. When I was told the news, I was completely in shock - barely 5 minutes later, my brain went straight to my dog's health. Knowing that my 2nd brother is visiting my hometown on Thursday, I asked him for a favor to bring my dog to the vet for a checkup.

Last night, I spent 3 hours in bed not being able to fall asleep due to the anxiety of knowing, not knowing, not knowing enough, and knowing too much. I was tapping my feet away and fidgeting for hours, my heart rate pretty much at 100 the entire time. Alas, I managed to fall asleep from exhaustion at 3.30am.

This morning waking up, the feeling of dread was still there. Nevertheless, I went to work as usual. A few hours later, my brother updated me on the appointment which was at 3.15pm, and there my anxiety started kicking in.  As the time for the appointment got closer, my anxiety hit harder. By noon, I was clawing and squeezing my clothes and fidgeting non-stop.

At 4.27pm, my brother has mentioned that he would need to speak to me via phone as to the condition of my dog. As I was working, I decided not to call immediately as I knew that I would be overwhelmed and would not be able to stay in the office. After work, they were outside and I was absolutely exhausted from the lack of sleep and anxiety that I fell asleep after work. I woke up at 9.30pm and made the phone call at 9.52pm. Then the news hit me.

My 13 year old dog, is having serious kidney failure - and it has been some time coming. The test results came back and his blood is low and he has lost weight. His kidney problem is causing him to vomit, not able to detox (because that's what kidneys do) and not being able to eat solid foods. The vet has given him an IV drip as he was getting dehydrated as well as medicine and multi vitamins to help him get nutrients as he is unable to eat well. The vet did not mentioned a time frame, but an option whether to medicate him for the time being, or to put him down. Knowing that these 2 are the only options, I broke down via the phone. Sometimes my dog vomits or regurgitates, and we didn't think much of it as it has happened throughout the years. Guilty thoughts immediately began to cloud my mind.

Would it helped it I knew earlier ? Was I not observant enough ? Why did I not take him to the vet earlier ? Could it be prevented if I knew earlier ? What could I have done that would have eased his pain if I knew earlier ?

I knew that questioning these would not help the situation, but I couldn't help it. The questions replayed in my head time and time again. Not knowing the time frame is making me worry that what if I'm back to work and I am not with him during his final hour, but I know that even knowing the time frame, it will still haunt me. Now I am at a complete loss.

I am travelling back tomorrow afternoon to visit him and spend time with him. Trying not to breakdown in front of him will be the hardest, but I will try, knowing well that our emotions will affect him. This isn't about me, it's about him. It's about me spending time with him because I love him. I can't wait to see him and shower him with love. Although he wouldn't be able to run around and jump anymore, I will stand by him and show him that I'm there for him. I am also thinking of making a dough to get his paw print.

I guess... I'll update again when I can.

Until then,
goodbye.

- Th xception {♥} | 12.25am